Wedding Woes with Autistic Attendees

Have you ever been to a wedding before? Do you like weddings? I like weddings. But, have you ever wondered what its like to attend a wedding while being on the spectrum? Do you think it's different? Or is it the same? Dive into this special episode to discover the wedding woes from one Autistic Attendee. 

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Transcript

Wedding Woes with Autistic Attendees.

 Today is a special episode of Autism and Education; Science and Me! This video was not planned, but I thought it merited its own episode, so I wrote it. Next on the list is still going to be Asperger’s syndrome so just wait a little longer for that. Thank you for being here. I’m your host Tom Herrera. What’s so special about this episode? This episode covers an event that is quite special in our lives. I am of course talking about weddings! In today’s episode I will discuss what it is like attending a wedding while being on the spectrum. I will give you the inside scoop of seeing a wedding through autistic eyes. So, put on your suits, blazers, dresses, ties, shawls, or whatever you like, grab your wedding bouquet, and get ready to toss rice, because you are listening to Wedding Woes with Autistic Attendees. 

 Weddings. Who does not like weddings? They are a joyous occasion for you and your loved ones. I recently attended a wedding celebration for my cousin. Congrats by the way. My immediate family knew it was not my kind of scene and throughout the night repeatedly asked me if I was okay. And it really struck me at that moment how different my perspective was from everyone around me. I was incredibly happy to be there; I had a grand old time. However, I did not enjoy myself as much as everyone around me. Why was that? What made it different? Watching everyone around me dancing, drinking, have a grand old time, and yet, I really was not. Did I enjoy myself? Did I have an enjoyable time? Yes and yes. But it was different. Why? 

Think about what it means to be autistic. Over the years there have been diverse ways describing what it is like being autistic. I have heard the following examples. 

“It’s like everyone is in a play, and everyone has a script except you.”

“It’s like visiting another planet where you do not understand the customs of the natives.”

Or my personal example:

“Everyone is connected to a universal Hive Mind except for autistic people. The Hive Mind outlines the steps and procedures on how to survive.” 

Each description, while slightly different, shares something in common. Fitting in. Each example describes engaging with others and not getting the memo. Not reacting the same way in certain situations. Can you imagine what that is like?

There is a lot to unpack there. Allow me to narrow it down. What are three things you associate with the wedding reception? For me, I associate wedding receptions with drinking, dancing, and loud music. 

How does being autistic impact the experience of these three associations? Once again, I would like to remind you that autism is a spectrum, so just because I have these experiences, does not mean all autistic individuals do. These experiences are mine alone. 

I was legitimately watching everyone dance and drink at the wedding and my honest-to-God thought was, “Is this what anthropologists feel like when they are exploring another culture?” I felt like I was watching a ceremony or something—which it was—with everyone participating and I was watching on the outside. On the outside, always looking in, while I'm watch, watch, watching people pass. It was honestly a little unsettling. There I was, watching everyone move and groove, drink and eat, dance and prance around, and I just sat by my lonesome, watching everyone around me. We all were attending the same event, but we weren’t experiencing the same emotions. Everyone had fun yes, but the levels of fun was varied significantly. Everyone was dancing to the same song and getting into it. Everyone was enjoying alcoholic beverages. And I could not understand the want or the drive to dance or drink. So many people were dancing and drinking, and then there’s me. Not having an inkling to do either. 

I just didn’t get it. I couldn’t get it. I don’t get it. All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces. And I find it kind of funny. I find it kind of sad. Why did I feel this way? Why was this my reaction?

Earlier I mentioned the Hive Mind. All of humanity connected by experiences and feelings, and all of humanity can instantly connect to one another by way of a supernatural collection of consciousness that makes up the Hive Mind. Here’s another way of thinking about it. Instead of a Hive Mind, every person is like a computer. Like most computers, each person has predownloaded programs on their hard drive. What are some programs predownloaded on your person? Three come to mind Dancing.EXE., Drinking.EXE., or SocialEtiquette.EXE.. These programs certainly come in handy at said weddings. Dancing.EXE. tells you how to dance and when to dance. Drinking.EXE. gives you the thirst to consume alcohol and everything that comes with it. SocialEtiquette.EXE….. Well, its Social Etiquette. This program gives you a series of instructions on how to behave in public. These programs let you enjoy yourself. 

However, as you can guess, certain individuals do not have these programs downloaded. Perhaps they left the store without being checked prior to being packaged up and shipped out. Which programs am I missing on my hard drive? Well, my family can probably rattle off several missing programs, but I checked my System Settings, and looked at my programs. I am missing Dancing.EXE. and Drinking.EXE.. I do have SocialEtiquette.EXE. but it appears to be version 3.0, while the newest version is 4.0. My version is not too different, but different enough to be noticeable.

Okay. Are you ready to discuss what it’s like to not have these programs? 

Ready?

Set?

Let’s dance. 

I have an aversion to dancing. I do not dance. I do not want to dance. I do not know how to dance. I do not want to learn how to dance. The only dances I will do, although not all the time, are The Cha Cha Slide, Cotton-Eyed Joe, and occasionally The Cupid Shuffle. 

Quick question for you. When you hear music, do you bop to the beat? Do you shake your head to the music? Wave your arms? Do you put your left hand in and your left hand out? Stop for a second and think about that. Do you move and groove to the music? Do you dance like nobody’s watching? What say you? At least for me, if I hear music, I usually sit still. Generally, I do not get up and move with the music. I could be listening to the most energetic music that makes everyone else get up and dance, and I won’t. I do not have the drive to get up and dance. If I am moving, it has nothing to do with the music. I have a hard time sitting still. If I need to sit still, some part of me, usually my hands or legs, will be moving instead. Of course, saying that, it makes you wonder. With all that energy, why not expend it dancing? Is dancing not a perfect outlet to use all that excess energy? Not really. But why? I am asking that question a lot today. So, why do you think I don’t dance to remove all that excess energy? 

Simply put, it’s because I have no interest in dancing. I do not understand the joy of dancing. If given the choice of dancing or not dancing, I will not dance. Some people enjoy dancing. They like how it feels to move with the music or move in rhythmic patterns. They like how they can just move willy-nilly, arms and legs flailing all over the place. I do not share that same feeling. 

Let me stop there for a second. Some of you individuals listening, may not be aware of my dimensions. Let me clarify. As I am writing this script I am at least 6 ft 5 and 250 pounds, or 1.96 meters and 113 kilograms. I am a rather large man who sticks out in a crowd. I am paradoxically always aware of my surroundings and unaware of my surroundings. I instinctively duck when I enter doorways or bend over when I get things. I am constantly aware of what’s going on around me. At the same time, I do not pay attention to the things around me. I have bumped into things, almost hitting others around me just by moving. As a large guy, I can pack a lot of force into my movements. I have squished other people because I was not aware of my surroundings. I’m a walking hazard. Now imagine said walking hazard is on the dance floor surrounded by other people. This is one of the reasons why I do not dance. I do not want to hurt anyone, accidently, because I was unaware of the space around me. Dancing is dangerous. And I aim to be dangerous as little as possible. 

Back to dancing, or my lack of interest of dancing. My lack of interest of several topics is a point of contention among my family. Among my list of episodes, I am going to do case study of my symptoms so I will talk more about this later, but here are some highlights. I said earlier that I do not want to dance or learn how to dance. This is because I do not see the point of dancing. I like to think I am an efficient person. There is a point to everything I do. I do not waste my time or energy. The more time and energy I have, the more I can do. All my actions are the results of another action or reason. All my actions have a tangible result, either it helps me or someone else. If there is no good reason to do something, I will not do it. It is as simple as that. I personally do not see anything good that comes from dancing. I do not feel anything when I dance, nor do I enjoy it. I am a very selfish and flawed individual. I do not want to waste extra effort on a pointless endeavor. If there is nothing to gain, there is no point in doing said action. I refuse to waste time on an unnecessary endeavor. I could use that time to do something else worthwhile, or as worthwhile to this narrow-minded individual. 

Now that you understand some of the reasons why I don’t dance, there is something else I noticed about dancing. Dancing is rather, intimate. Do you ever just sit and watch two people dancing? Have you marveled at how close their bodies are? How connected two people are in a dance? How in tune one is with the other? When you dance closely with somebody else, do you ever stop and wonder if they can feel your heartbeat, and how you just don’t want the sensation to end? Like, “Can’t you feel my heart beat fast? I want this last. Need you by my side” 

You have? Good. I haven’t. At least that makes one of us. 

Now, question for you. How do two people dance if one person doesn’t like to be touched? Or how do two people dance if one person gets nervous about how close you get? I am not opposed to being touched. I like to be hugged. I like to be cuddled. But when two people dance, it’s too close and it makes me uncomfortable. Also, did you know, the taller you are the less hugs you receive? People don’t like hugging tall people. Trust me. I’m a scientist! 

Anyway, dancing is quite the intimate event. Even dances that have limited contact are at some level, intimate. If you have an aversion to being touched, dancing is out. You do not want to dance so you don’t. But I hear you cry. Can’t you learn how to do dances that don’t involve touching? Can’t you learn to do this or that? And I say to you, where do you learn those skills? You learn them with others. If you struggle in social situations, chances are you do not want to go to a dancing class or event. And if you do not go to a dancing class you don’t learn how to dance. And if you don’t learn how to dance you don’t dance at dances you have to attend. It’s a never ending cycle of struggle. The point is, it’s difficult to engage in something you can’t get behind. 

Okay. Can we move on to something less depressing? How about drinking?

Drinking. Do you drink? I do not drink. The only drinks I commonly drink are Communion Wine at Mass, Pink Moscato my family serves at family gatherings, or sake. However, I do not go out of my way to drink each beverage. My mind does not go, “I need a drink.” Since I turned twenty-one, I have never had the thought: “I need a drink.” The only time I have ever thought I wanted a drink was a few months after my first year of teaching. I came home from teaching fourth graders, sixth graders, and seven graders, and I went straight to the liquor cabinet and took a shot of sake. My parents looked at me and said, “Rough day huh?”. 

Public service announcement. That is not a healthy coping mechanism. Do not drink your feelings. Drink responsibly. Only drink safely and in moderation. I had a rough day. Never drink when you have a bad day. This concludes your daily public service announcement. 

Back to drinking. I do not like the taste of alcohol. And I’m not too crazy about the aftertaste or aftermath of drinking. I like to be headache free. I have had a few types of drinks, and various flavors and renditions. I still choose to not drink often. I have been told by at least two individuals, that they want to see me drunk. This is a terrible idea on many levels. My response? “You people cannot handle me when I’m sober. You want to see me when I’m drunk?!” 

True story. 

Compared to dancing, I think I’m more tolerable to drinking. While I don’t have the urge to consume alcohol, I will drink more readily than I will dance. I have and will occasionally socially drink. Not every time, but a good portion of the time. My beverage of choice is usually water, but I do like sodas and different types of milk. Drinking, like dancing, is not my forte. 

Okay. Stop. Wait a minute. Fill my cup, put some water in it. Let’s take a little breather. So, we talked about dancing and drinking. What’s next? Oh yes, The loud music. 

In episode one of Autism and Education; Science and Me, we learned that certain individuals with autism have sensory issues. Overstimulation from the environment is possible in these events. They could be overstimulated by the lights, sounds, smells, or feels of the environment around them. Think about weddings. Weddings are LOUD. Loud music, loud dances, and loud conversations. Weddings are also bright. They can have flashing lights, flashing dresses, flashing colors, flashing people moving about. Weddings are also smelly. I mean, think about it. The average person smells. Present company included. Imagine instead of one smelly person you have 10. Or 30. Or 50. Or over a hundred people. The human body is smelly. Add in the other smells associated with constant dancing, sweating, drinking, eating, and farting. You got quite the smelly affair. 

All these things can overwhelm even the hardiest neurotypical individual. How overwhelming do you think this can be for someone who is oversensitive to sights, sounds, and smells? 

I am fortunate enough to not have any sensory issues. At least not the extent where I am overstimulated. My eyesight is average, my sense of smell is nonexistent, and loud noises don’t really bother me, unless I’m trying to concentrate. My best sense, aside from my humor, is my hearing. I am curious to the noises around me, and I cannot sleep without ear plugs. Too much noise in the background keeps me up. However, I will admit that weddings are exceptionally loud, and most weddings could stand to lower their volume just a little. 

Okay. So, some of you bright listeners may have noticed something. Everything I said up to this point was simply from attending the wedding. Is being a part of the actual wedding different from just attending? 

            Yes. Yes it is. 

            I have had the privilege of being in a wedding party three times. I attended a Jewish Wedding for one of my college friends, and a bridesman for my older sister and a groomsman for my older brother. For those of you who don’t know what it’s like to be in a Wedding party, it’s simple. Aside from assisting with the actual wedding whenever possible, you can also attend the bachelor or bachelorette party. Then, during the actual ceremony, you process down the aisle one by one and assemble behind the wedding couple. You stand behind the wedding couple the entire time they exchange their vows. I always get nervous whenever the attention is in my vicinity. I get nervous when people are looking at me, or even when they are clearly not paying attention to you. 

            Really weird thought for a teacher, right? All eyes are always on me in the classroom. I have had various amounts of students watching me. My largest classes had 30 kids in them. I have also been observed while teaching. For whatever reason, I am not nervous. My best guess is because it’s my job. There is not room for nerves when you are teaching. I am rarely, if ever, nervous when I teach. But outside it’s different. Like at a wedding for instance. The three times I was in the wedding party, when all eyes were on the wedding couple, with the wedding party in the back, I was nervous. I am one-hundred percent aware that there were very few people watching me during the wedding vows. And yet the nerves prevailed. What’s the deal? Why so nervous?

I am not 100% certain, but I think it has to do with not understanding what I need to do, and not fully understanding what happens next. 

Am I supposed to stay silent the entire time? 

Am I supposed to clap? 

Do I just stand here? 

Do I sing a song of sixpence, a pocketful of rye? 

Am I supposed to say something?

The unpredictability, or at least unpredictable to me, of the future is unnerving. I hate not being able to predict what will happen next. I do not have the best track record at making predictions, and it becomes even worse in social situations. I can never truly predict what will happen in any given moment. That’s why I like routines. I don’t need to worry about what’s going to happen next. I don’t need to think about what to do in the future. It’s a routine; I know what will happen. You cannot say the same thing for a wedding. Sure, all weddings do tend to have similarities. They all have their own routines, but I am not familiar with that routine. I am not sure what will happen next. 

Okay, why am I making this a big deal? It’s only for a few hours, why so tense? Well, I have this annoying habit of not really paying attention or remembering information when its not relevant to me. It’s not narcissism, because I know not everything is about me, and I will act accordingly when possible. But, if something is irrelevant to me or my thoughts and interests, I don’t care. This results in my often talking about myself or things I’m interested in without much regard to other people’s thoughts or feelings. When things become boring, I wanna talk about me. I wanna talk about I. I want to talk about number one, oh my me my. I will be the first to admit this can be very annoying. And this is something that I’m working on today. The reason I mention this is because at party events, family get-togethers, birthdays, weddings, I really try to limit the amount of time I talk about me. In these events, I am merely a spectator, and nothing else. I may be a participant here and there, but I am not the main attraction. I am not the guest of honor. 

The last thing I genuinely want to do is steal the spotlight away from who its intended for. I’m a teacher; I love being the center of attention. But I know when to step aside and let others have the spotlight. 

And yet…

If I don’t know what is coming next, I will fill in the gaps with what I know. And what I know is my interests and hobbies. I revert to talking about myself and interests when there is a gap in conversation. What I think, what I like, what I know. What I want, what I see. I live in this perpetual state of not knowing what will happen next and worrying that I’m going to say or do something that will take away the attention of everyone around me. The last thing I want to do at a wedding is take away the attention from the wedding couple when everyone is paying attention to the wedding couple. 

All of this is to say, if I am not sure what will happen next, I will do what I know. This is not a problem in everyday life, but is problematic during milestone events such as weddings. I want things to go well, and desperately wish not to screw things up. I have messed things up before, and really do not want a repeat of that incident. 

            Aside from standing behind the wedding couple, the rest of the wedding is the same as the rest of the attendees. There are the standard issues of dancing, drinking, and noise as I mentioned before. 

            Really, the weddings woes with autistic attendees are not that different from weddings woes with neurotypical normies. I have my issues, as you do yours. But let me know if your interpretations are different from mine. Send me an e-mail, tweet me, or leave a comment on my YouTube videos. Links are in the description. I hope you enjoyed today’s special episode. After this, we will go back to our normal scheduled programming. 

Next time on Autism and Education, Science and Me we are going back to some research, where I will begin discussing Asperger’s Syndrome. Look forward to it. Catch you later! 

Did you catch the references to songs? There are eight references to eight different songs. Most of them are ripped directly from the lyrics of the songs. But some are changed to fit the context. Try and find all eight