Herrera Case Study: Social Interactions

Autism can be split into three different areas:
Social Interactions
Communication
Repetitive Behaviors. 

Join Thomas Herrera as he recounts his diagnosis under the len of social interactions. How does he interact with others? 
What unique quirks does he have?

Listen and find out!

Apologies for the long wait. This episode was particularly hard to write. While recording the outside world was the noisest its ever been since I started this podcast. So if the audio sounds weird that's why. I still think it turned out great! Hope you enjoy

Transcript

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On scale from 1 to 10, 10 being very enthusiastic, how do I sound?  Do I sound enthusiastic? I am not enthusiastic. If you read the title of this episode, well, clearly you know why. This should be fun. It’s time I addressed the elephant in the room. It’s time to share my story. You are listening to this podcast because you want to know what it’s like being an educator on the spectrum. Well, it’s finally time to talk. You’re listening to Autism and Education, Science and Me. I am your host, Thomas Herrera. Let’s take a deep dive into my mind. This is A Herrera Case Study Part 1 on Autism and Education; Science and Me. Here’s hoping we can climb back out. 

I decided to split this saga into several episodes. No one episode can encapsulate all my quirks, but I will try to focus on the major ones. Autism, as we learned on previous episodes, can basically be summed up into three distinct areas: communication, repetitive behaviors, and social interactions. So, let’s separate my Case Study into an episode on each distinct area. I tend to overshare a lot in my life, and the stories I will share today are no exception. In order to demonstrate what it’s like to be on the spectrum I need to share a baseline. 

One cannot discuss the future without first discussing the past. The future has no place without the past. The past provides the future. The future does not exist without the past. But one cannot improve or prepare for the future without first analyzing the present. And you cannot analyze the present without looking at the past. The past impacts the present which influences the future. Past, present, and future. They are all linked. They all affect one other. You can never really discuss one without mentioning the others. Which brings us here today. Discussing my past, analyzing my present, and improving my future. 

Diagnosis first, analysis later. Growing up, I was a little developmentally delayed when compared to my siblings. Unlike my siblings, I had to attend extra classes, Speech Therapy, and other little events to help me grow up. I had an IEP, or an Individual Education Plan. This plan was developed to help me properly flourish in High School. As is the case with some individuals, I eventually developed enough that I no longer needed an IEP. But my parents were still somewhat concerned. When I was in High School, my parents finally had me evaluated. On May 26th, 2011, I was formally diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome—which we now know has been merged back into the ASD. The neurologist described my symptoms as having difficulty understanding and expressing language. I had a language retrieval problem: the problem being I cannot recall the right word at the right moment when reading, writing, or speaking. For example, suppose I am talking about headgear, and I want to say “hat”. While I am speaking, I cannot recall the word “hat” and I say instead “that round thingy you put on your head that sometimes contains a brim”. A hat. Sometimes I remember the words later, sometimes I don’t. But never in the moment. 

That was the gist of my diagnosis. So keep that in mind as you listen to these next episodes. 

This episode is all about social interactions, so let’s start by imagining social interactions. What happens? Two or more individuals come together and stay in each other’s vicinity. Depending on the context, you will either engage in conversation, complete a task, or hang out. I realize that this is very broad and there are many ways to interact but just bear with me. When you interact with others you communicate in various ways, verbally, or nonverbally. A conversation is more than just aural language. Body language, eye contact, and physical closeness all work in tandem during social interactions. This is something that most people are adept at. Aural language, eye contact, body language, and physical closeness all work together to give specific clues about what is going on in a conversation. These clues steer a conversation to either continue or eventually end. 

But then there’s me. It’s time for the Hive Mind again. The idea that every neurotypical person is connected to a database where social clues are written down and always visible. An atypical individual is not connected to the Hive Mind and therefore is out of sync. Being unconnected to the Hive Mind is disastrous in many ways. I cannot understand or determine social clues that indicate whether it is acceptable to join or leave a conversation. I cannot understand if it is okay to start a new conversation, or if the current conversation is over and done with. This results in a lot of observations on my behalf. Lots of staring, watching, waiting, glancing, etc… I am trying to make sense of the situation; unsuccessfully too might I add. 

In addition to not really understanding how a conversion flows, I am also incapable of distinguishing acceptable and unacceptable thoughts in certain situations. For example, telling jokes during solemn or formal settings when everyone should be quiet. Filling the void of silence with noise when you are supposed to be silent. Reacting to external stimuli when you should just ignore it. Providing excessive compliments to individuals, or even asking or talking about personal matters. All of these are things I have done and have not realized they were unacceptable. 

There is a fine line between acceptable and unacceptable. How you maneuver around this line varies. Those connected to the Hive Mind kind of have a built-in filter that analyzes and processes thoughts to make sure things are fine. You know, the quintessential “think before you speak”. 

Well, I have no filter. Not only does this mean I say whatever comes into my head, but I somehow skip this step entirely and go straight to talking. Or I think, believe that my thought is perfectly okay, and then say it. Only it turns out this was not okay. My disconnection from the “Hive Mind” has resulted in many hurt feelings over the years. I cannot describe how many times I have said insulting comments, cruel words, or been inappropriate, sexist, or generally rude to the people around me. These behaviors did not seem bad to me in my head. But, once said aloud, they were not pleasant. Legitimately, I saw nothing wrong in my head. Except everyone else disagreed. 

Here are two examples. 

To provide some context, I think my love language is physical touch. I like to be close to other people, and I like to hug people, and be near them. I like to receive physical affection, rather than give it. Though I show my affection through actions and caring. Essentially, I’m a needy-baby greedy-baby. I’m like that clingy dog that always wants to be touched and wants constant attention. You know, an extrovert. I like attention, physical touch, and hugs. I’m like a needy dog.

Woof. 

Anyway, my best friend in High School was a girl. She would hug me a lot and it was nice. We were close, and I once asked her to kiss me on the cheek because I legitimately thought it would never happen to me, because I’m me. She had no problems with this. The problem came when I asked someone else for the same thing. 

As time passes, I think we often look back at things we did and just wonder, “What the heck was I thinking?” This happens to me a lot. It still does. I remember hanging out with a friend in class, and I watched this girl hug another guy. He asked for a kiss on the cheek, and she gave him one. My brain sees this and thinks, “Huh. That must be nice.” So, a little while later I am alone with this girl, and I ask her the same thing. Except I made it worse. I told her that I thought she was the second most attractive girl in school and asked her to kiss me. You know. Like a creep. 

As an adult, thinking back, I really don’t know what was going through my head. Maybe, “surely if he asks her I can too?” I don’t know and I don’t think I ever will. Naturally, this made this girl very uncomfortable and upset. She then went and told someone close to both of us to address the issue. She told my older sister. My older sister promptly tore me a new one. Afterwards I apologized to my friend and moved on.

This is where this story should end. But no. You see, my dumb butt apologized, said I was sorry, and felt the need to add a comment that I would “watch her from afar”, or something creepy like that. This naturally resulted in another lecture from my sister. At that point, I was like, “Ok. Clearly you can’t talk to this girl. It is probably better for everyone if you just leave her alone.” And so, I did. 

I would like to say that I try not to be a creepy person, but sometimes I just am. I don’t try to be creepy, or sexist, or misogynistic, or misanthropic, or any other adjective you want to use to paint someone in a negative light. Sometimes, my thoughts and actions portray a man who thinks and acts this way. After this incident I always wanted to truly apologize to this girl for how I acted. This event stayed with me. I remember a lot of the horrors I’ve inflicted on others. These things never go away. When you can’t forget, you don’t forget. And when you don’t forget you remember. And when you remember, the thoughts always come back. It’s like a never-ending cycle of guilt and remorse. 

I wanted to reach out to my friend and apologize, but I didn’t want to bring back bad memories in case it had an impact on her. The last thing I wanted was to make her feel worse. I did eventually reach out and apologized. She said she didn’t remember and wanted me to not worry about it. She went out of her way to tell me that she wanted me to not let it bother me because we all do stupid things in High School and that it doesn’t change how she perceives me. She forgave me, which is nice, but I’m never going to forget it. 

This is just one example of how no filter impacts my life. I got one more for you. Don’t worry. This one is hilarious. 

Fast forward a few years to college. Once, when I was walking with my friend back to our dorm, we noticed some people sleeping outside in the sun. When my friend mentioned that she wanted to take a nap, I mentioned that she should get someone to watch over her. My friend is exceptionally beautiful, and I was worried for her. She told me she could not afford to pay someone to look after her. I responded with, “You could use alternative methods of payment.” My mind immediately thought of paying for dinner, a coffee, hanging out, or how scandalous, a peck on the cheek. 

That was not what she thought of. She retorted with “I ain’t no prostitute.” 

Then almost immediately, with pure joy and utter sincerity, this came from my mouth: “I think you’d make a great prostitute!” The moment my friend gave that retort I think my brain did something like this: 

There are a council of Toms sitting around a table. One Tom starts with: Okay. She just said she’s not a prostitute. Clearly the correct thing to do here is to apologize and say sorry. Let’s reassure that’s not what we meant. All Toms are in agreement. 

But in the back, a tiny Tom pipes up, Wait, shouldn’t we reassure her that she’s wrong? Isn’t this a time where you are supposed to correct someone? We need to reassure her. Plus, she’s really pretty. She would make a killing. 

All the other Toms stop. You make a good point. We absolutely need to tell her she would make a great prostitute. This will in no way backfire on us. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this statement. Let’s do it. 

We were walking during this story and after I spoke, she stopped walking, and started laughing. Not a small chuckle, or the uncomfortable little giggle. A full-on honest-to-god joyous laughter. As far as I know, she never was offended. I got lucky. 

The last thing I ever want to do is make someone feel uncomfortable. Not my family, my best friend, my other friends, even the people I work with. I never want to do that to another person. But this happens a lot more than I like to admit. 

Consider what I stated above, I speak before I think and sometimes my thinking seems benign except its malevolent. I can never tell the difference. Every time I interact with someone, it’s a constant dance of, will this offend them? Will it not? It’s exhausting. 

I have no filter when it comes to speaking but also thinking. I never stop thinking, and sometimes my thoughts recycle. For example: I could have thought A and B. I complete thought A and B and move on to thought C and D. Except, two minutes into thought C and D, I think about thought A and B. So, they come back. My thoughts constantly recycle even when they are over and done with. Even when I think something is completed, it always has a way of coming back. It’s like a Google web page with tabs that never close. They are always open. Guilt plus returning memories makes a lovely time. 

I feel bad for my future partner. This mix of never forgetting and guilt because of how I act is very hard to deal with. At the very least, I would need my future partner to be needy and greedy like me. I would need their physical language to be touch as well. A nice relationship with lots of hugs and kisses. The good feelings. But I can image feeling bad about it. I can imagine starting out in a new relationship and starting with hugs. Hugging for a while. Then, asking for a quick kiss. Maybe two. Needy-baby greedy-baby. 

But after the high comes the crash. I would feel bad about asking for a kiss. I would feel guilty. Guilt comes in and everything starts to spiral. 

What is she doesn’t like giving me so much affection?

What if it makes her uncomfortable?

What if she was fine with the first thousand times, but not the second thousand times?

What if it is too much?

I have had times where I thought my actions were a perfectly innocuous ask. Spoiler alert. They weren’t.

I never want to hurt anyone, so I apologize. But once isn’t enough. I would apologize twice. Then, because I’m incapable of not thinking about something. I would think about it. I would let the thoughts fester and determine again another apology is necessary. And then I would apologize again. And again. Almost every time I see her because I cannot get it out of my mind. Even if it leaves my mind for a second, it always comes back. You apologize because you feel guilty. You want to do the right thing by apologizing, but you are never sure if you are actually forgiven. People can tell me everything is fine, but I won’t believe them. Most can forgive and forget. I can’t. Guilt does not erase so easily. 

I never want to go through that feeling again. But it keeps happening. Never ending. 

It's different and unpleasant. 

Okay, a few more things and then were done. 

Narcissism. No, I’m not a narcissist, but sometimes I feel like one. Autism comes from the Greek word autos meaning self, so many autistic individuals are very self-focused. For example, I am not interested in anything outside my interests. If someone brings up a topic I am not interested in, I do not want to engage in conversation. If the topic has no relation to what I like, I do not care. This includes all facets of life. This varies from attending social events, to watching movies, to listening to media. 

If I no interested, I no care. 

This is very irritating because it’s not entirely conscious. I can remember my birthday, and events that surround my life, but the moment it’s about someone else I lose focus. This includes important people in my life like my parents, siblings, niblings, and friends. It’s not like I don’t care about these individuals, I do, I just have a harder time remembering. If it weren’t for the lovely technological advancements called Google Calendar, I would not remember any event. This bugs me because I want to know what goes around me. I want to remember the birthdays of my family, or the anniversaries of them too. But I do not remember. I have a distinct memory of being chewed out by my siblings because I did not send my parents an anniversary card. I remember being mad that I had to send them a card. My thought process was, “Why should I remember this event? What’s the point?” 

I still don’t think I know the answer. 

            Because people naturally converse in social interactions, you make polite small talk. But when one listener is only focused on themselves, communications break down. I think this is why I zone out a lot. The current situation is uninteresting, so my mind wanders and thinks about whatever I happen to think about. Add in the fact that I don’t stop thinking and you see the cycle repeats. 

            Finally I would like to discuss something that people often notice about the way I talk about myself. At a glance if you talk with me, you may find that I have a rather unique way of talking about my qualities. Modest, down-playing, and very critical. I often put myself down, or sound like I have very low self-esteem. 

            My self-esteem is fine. I think the main reason why I put myself down on a regular basis is because I think I’m a realist. My understanding of the world and my viewpoint is very skewed, as one can tell, so I like to be validated in my understanding. What I am saying about myself is true and factual. I can see it from an outsider’s view. It makes me feel great when I am actually correct about something. 

            There’s the narcissism again. I don’t want to be praised to high heaven. I think praise makes me feel uncomfortable. When I say “I’m not good at this” I want people to agree with me and move on. When you are never certain if what you think is acceptable or not, having someone else agree is helpful. 

            In summary, my issues with social interactions are as follows: having no fluency in social cues, having a faulty filter, being incapable of letting thoughts end, a hyper focus on things relevant to me rather than others, and a healthy dose of narcissism. 

            Gee makes you wonder how I even have friends to begin with. 

Next time on Autism and Education, Science and Me will be the next Herrera Case Study. We will dive into my traits and quirks. This should be fun. Look forward to it. 

            Thanks for listening. These types of episodes take longer than normal. It feels a little weird to write it all down. Almost like I’m baring my soul to the world. This is very exhausting and a little disorientating. I would rather do something else than feel this way so I procrastinate. Anyway, I am going to make an effort to get the next one out sooner rather than later. Thanks for your continual support to listening to my ramble, even when you don’t have to. Talk to you soon.