An Anxious Autistics Dreadful Driving

Do you know how to drive? How long has you been driving for? Have you ever wondered what driving might be like when you have autistic tendencies? Look no further. In this episode, learn the struggles of driving while being autistic. 

Learning how to drive yourself? Try this link:
https://driving-tests.org/new-jersey/

After signing up you can read the manual and take practice tests. 

Transcript

An Anxious Autistic’s Dreadful Driving

You just turned 16 and there is but one thought on your mind: I am going to learn to drive. People around you have licenses. Now it is finally your turn to do the same. Fortunately, your High School teaches Driver’s Ed. To class you go. 

You learn the rules of the road. You learn about intersections, stop signs, traffic lights, traffic signals, turning regulations, and others. You learn the basics of how to turn properly. You learn where you are supposed to stop and how fast you can go on speedways and residential areas. After months of classes, you take the written test. You only need to answer 40 of 50 questions correctly; you only need an 80 to pass. You take the test and pass. 

Excellent. Now you need to practice. Supervised of course, you follow the law. You practice for several a month. You practice with friends and family. Your parents even chipped in for Driving School. All to help you pass. After months of practice, you schedule your road test. You take the road test and…you pass. All that is left is to practice driving on your own. After a year you get your license. You are free. And you can drive. 

This is what most Americans have experienced while learning to drive. Not everyone’s experience is the same. Some people had no problems and took to the road right away. Some people failed the Road test. Some people failed many times. It is a difficult part of growing up that we all experience. It is tricky. Now, imagine trying to learn to drive while you also experience mental and physical challenges. Is it more difficult or less difficult? Let us find out. 

You’re listening to Autism and Education, Science and Me. I am your host, Thomas Herrera. In this episode, I aim to discuss both the challenges of driving and learning how to drive while being autistic. So, put on your seat belts, turn on your headlights, check your rear view mirrors, and let’s go for a drive. This is “An Anxious Autistic’s Dreadful Driving”. on Autism and Education; Science and Me. Try not to honk me off the streets. 

[Insert honking noise]

I am going to go out on a limb and say something rather controversial. 

Driving is scary and not fun. It’s nerve wracking, exhausting, stressful, and just plain traumatizing. I mean think about it. What do you have to be aware of when you drive a car?

While driving you need to be aware of not only your car, but the car in front of you, the car to your left, the car to your right, and the car behind you. You need to be aware of the space all around you, and you need to be aware of what is both ahead of you and behind you. You need to be aware of not only how fast you are going, but how fast both the people behind and ahead of you are going. You need to plan your next steps while enacting your current steps. You need to understand what could happen and when it could happen. You also need to have decent reflexes to be able to react in time to the multitude of scenarios that will happen when you drive. And then there are other external factors to consider: traffic lights, stop signs, oncoming drivers, oncoming pedestrians, sudden chance encounters with animals, cars, people, or inanimate objects. 

Confusing right? It is a lot to be aware of. Combine that with the fact that you are sitting in a fragile metal box, surrounded by other fragile metal boxes, with the chance of death on the horizon, it’s a nightmare. Driving is a lot of different factors that you must be constantly aware of. It is stressful. Some people enjoy driving. Others do not. But most people agree that driving is important. It is a rite of passage. My parents learned to drive. My siblings all learned to drive at age 16. 

I did not learn how to drive when I was 16. In fact, as I am working on this episode, I still have not learned how to drive. But, at the time of this episode I have a probationary license. A probationary license is not a full license, but it’s still a start. I started later in life, but as of now, I can join you other humans out on the road. 

Better stay off the roads for your safety. 

[Honk noise]

Okay. So, I’m sure you have some questions for me. 

Why did you not learn how to drive at age 16?

Why did you learn how to drive now?

How did you learn how to drive? 

Are there any challenges you experienced while learning to drive and while driving?

How do you feel driving?

Why haven’t you posted a video since January 29th?

As an educator who loves it when students have questions, let me address each one in kind. 

Question 1: Why did you not learn how to drive at age 16? 

A simple question really. I am from a family of six. When I became of age, my two older siblings and my parents could drive. My twin and I were the last in the family. At the time, we didn’t need six drivers when we had four, and a fifth on the way. There was always someone able to take me, or others, wherever we needed to go. Additionally, we lived in a town where most everything was within walking distance, like the High School, Library, Wawa, Dentists, Eye Doctors, etc.. There was no real need for me to learn how to drive. 

OR at least, that’s what I convinced myself. For years, whenever someone asked why I never learned how to drive, I always gave the same two reasons. There were enough drivers in the house, and we had public transport. Unbeknownst to me it was just because I didn’t want to. Or I was afraid of driving and did not want to learn. My parents never discouraged me from not wanting to drive. They just accepted it. 

That’s news to me. I have no memory of this. I have no memory of not wanting to learn how to drive or even having a fear of driving. I do think it is a little overwhelming at times, but I was convinced it was because of the reasons above. Life is funny that way. 

Question 2: Why did you learn how to drive now?

Another simple question. Independency. For years I was able to coast along not needing to drive. But something changed when I started student-teaching. I needed to drive to get work. I was fortunate that they were teachers in my town that let me carpool to work. I paid for gas of course, and at the end of the year gave each of my drivers a thank-you present. At the time, I was 23 and was starting to think about the future. I had a path: learn to drive, get a car, move out of my parents’ place, get an apartment. This was my goal. I kind of wanted to do that around age 25. 

That did not happen. 

I only just started that plan. Life is tough, and a lot happens. But the drive to learn how to drive and become independent was strong. I was fortunate to have a school close to me to work in. I was even more fortunate for my next three places of employment to be easily accessible by public transport. I simply had to take the PATCO train and walk to my first two schools, and for my current school, I had to take the PATCO, than hop on a bus directly to my school. I sometimes bus with my students. It’s fun. 

However, after years of waiting and relying on others for transportation, I started to want to learn how to drive to take control of the situation. Part of my autism is wanting to be punctual. I hate being late. If we need to be somewhere by 9 o’clock, I want to be there by 8:45. The earlier I can get there the better. I loathe being late. And sometimes, people can be unreliable. I hate the feeling of anxiety you get when you wait for someone to get you. It is an unpleasant feeling. After so many years of waiting, I decided to change. So many opportunities would arise if I could drive. Need to go to the dollar store for supplies? Done. I can drive myself. Need to pick up groceries for the house? Done. Beep beep, away I go. I could do so much more if I could drive. What more motivation did I need? 

Question 3: How did you learn how to drive? 

            My journey was unorthodox to say the least. To those who know nothing of how obtaining a driving license works in America, let me fill you in. There are three main paths to getting a license: the Early Bird Road for 16-year-olds, the Young Adult Road for 17 to 18-year-olds, and the Adult Road for those over 21. Each road follows the same five steps: 1-pass the written test, 2-practice supervised driving, 3-pass the road test, 4- drive unsupervised, and 5-obtain the driver’s license one year following the road test. If you are in the Early Bird or Young Adult Road, you get six months supervised driving. But as an adult in the Adult Road, I was only given three months supervised driving. So, what did I do?

            I ended up taking the written test three times before passing. The first time I took the test just to see where I stacked up. At the time I had read the Driving Manual several times and took plenty of practice tests. I did not pass the first time. I kept rereading the manual, took more practice tests, and tried again later. The second time I took the written test I was one question off from passing. It then took another two years before I took the test again. No, it didn’t take me two years to study. I just stopped trying. It wasn’t until I turned 26 that I actively started trying again. I always worked best by taking notes. The third time I took notes. 

            I did more practice tests. I reread the notes. Around this time, I had to purchase another examination permit, because the one I initially received in 2018 expired. I was fortunate enough to take the test the same day I bought the permit. I passed without a single mistake my third time. After passing I had three months to practice driving. And I…practiced. Not right away. About a month before my test one of my colleagues offered to teach me to drive. 

He drives buses on the weekends, and was responsible for teaching other bus drivers how to drive as well. In the past he even taught students in his vehicle. After accepting his offer, every day after school we would drive around for about 45 minutes. We found a large and vacant lot and just drove around. We started with the basics: this is the brake; this is the pedal; this is the gear shift; this is the button that moves the rearview mirrors; this is the turn signal. The first skill we practiced was turning. We drove in circles for a while. Long wide circles to get a feel for turning. While we were driving around making turns, we also practiced starting the car and stopping the car. Hitting the gas pedal and stopping quickly were skills we tested while turning. We also made sure to practice driving in reverse. Once we felt confident enough in turning, we practiced maneuvering through cars. The parking lot we spent most of our time in often had large, parked vehicles. We would drive slowly between the two trucks from both sides. All-in-all this took about two weeks.

After those two weeks we took to the streets. We started by driving around the area for a few days. Going on a small highway back to my house. We also would drive by my neighborhood and drive through it. This was far from my only practice. My colleague gave me most of my lessons, but my parents, and brother-in-law helped too. They took me driving on the weekends or for errands. Never going above 25 miles per hour, just driving just around the area. Eventually, the time for my road test came. I borrowed my brother-in-law’s car for the test. I practiced in his car for a few days as well. We did parallel parking at this time. I wasn’t the greatest, but was passable. Then, the day of my test I took the day off and drove to the DMV with my mom. 

We practiced for a little bit before the test, as one does before the test. Get rid of those driving-test jitters. We drove around the block a couple of times, practiced parallel parking, and then drove to the testing site. Once there I get ready to take the test and…they denied me access. Why? Two reasons: 1: my mom forgot her license. But more importantly 2: we did not have the proper car insurance. The testing site required the actual car insurance card, not a printed copy. So that was fun. 

Not the end of the world. This was during the summer, so in case I failed, I had some more time to practice. Fast forward a couple weeks, more driving here and there, and I go to take the test again. 

How did I do the second time? No one knows. The first item on the road test is to parallel park. I could not parallel park. The second item is a K-turn. I did my K-turn backwards. Don’t ask how. I still don’t know how. So, I failed. No worries, pass or fail I was going to take driving school. I eventually took driving school. I basically drove around with an instructor for several hours practicing the rules of the road. My first lesson was straight up driving for 2 hours. The instructor was very impressed; that was a major confidence booster. My second lesson was split into two parts: driving around and parallel parking. The second driver was confident I would pass. The third lesson was practice before the test and then an escort to the test. I drive around and then take the test.

Parallel parking is first: no issues. K-turn is next. No issues. Next would be the actual Road Portion. We pull out of the testing site, and pull back in. I passed the test. I guess because I was an adult, there was no need to go out on the road. I do not know why, but no complaints here. At that point I completed the test; all that was left was to show my examination ticket to the DMV and they would mail me my provisionary driving license. Then, one year later, I would get my full license. But that point was: I could drive. Cheers and celebrations all around. 

Question 4: Are there any challenges you experienced while learning to drive and while driving?

            One always experiences challenges while learning to drive. I had several challenges. I will classify each challenge as either physical space, cardinal directions, or instructions. 

Starting with physical space. I mentioned in my Wedding episode that I am a rather large man. Finding a car that I fit in was the initial challenge. We tried many cars, a Jeep Compass, a Honda Civic, a Dodge Caravan, a Hyundai Sonata, and a CRV. I felt most comfortable in the Jeep Compass, but mostly the Honda Civic. In fact, that’s the car I drive around with now: a Honda Civic. She’s beautiful. I think I’m calling her Nemona. It comes from the Latin word nemo meaning “no name”. My legs are long, and I need to have a car that fits one with large dimensions. 

            Challenge one averted. I have a car I fit in, and I can reach everything, and I have no problems seeing around me. The next challenge was cardinal directions. I have a basic understanding of what the following terms mean: left, right, straight, curved, north, south, west, and east. I understand what those words mean, but have a hard time placing them in the real world. I know the difference between left and right: make an L-shape with both of your hands. The hand that has the actual L-shape is your left; the hand that has a backwards L-shape is your right. I know that. But I will often go the wrong direction; I will go right when I need to go left. Or sometimes I will say I need to turn left when I mean turn right. I don’t know why I say the opposite of what I mean, but is very disconcerting to mean one thing but say something else entirely. I blame the coding in my brain. It's a nightmare. 

            I also cannot visualize things going straight or curved. I physically cannot visualize it. If you want me to walk straight, I can walk straight. If you ask me to walk in a curve I can do that too. But ask me to drive straight—no dice. Several times I thought I was driving straight when in fact I was not. I still do not see how you can tell you are driving straight in a car. I physically cannot tell the difference. Driving in reverse is the same way too, might I add. I have no spatial awareness, nor can I visualize the differences in size. This is an exaggeration, but if you ask me to show the difference between one inch and one foot I cannot tell you. I cannot visualize that. So that’s problematic. That makes driving around with me difficult. I also have a hard time creating a mental map of where to go. I am lucky I know where things in my town are. I can get there by walking, but driving is another story. I kind of rely on environmental check points so that I know where I am going. For simplicities sake, we pass by a large tree on the way to my house. If I pass the tree I know I’m going where I need to be. 

            So, challenge 1 was my size, and challenge 2 was the basic directions. Now challenge three. I have always had a hard time following directions. You give me a short and simple multi-step direction and I cannot follow it. The best directions for me are in the moment: turn right here. Turn left. Go straight. I operate in short simple single steps. Give me a single step instruction and I have no problem completing the task. Give me instructions with several steps, and I have trouble completing it. The longer and more complex the steps are the less successful I am in completing that task. I have always done well with being told exactly what to do. Key point there being what to do. Not why we do something, just how to do it. If I need to make a K-turn here, just give me steps on how to complete it. I do not need any other bit of information. All I need is the how to. Short and to the point. Everything else is quite frankly, irrelevant. This issue has caused some issues when driving around with my mom, who was trying to teach me how to drive safely and well. The problem was her instructions were multi-step and complicated. Let me try to explain why this is an issue. 

I have a rather linear brain: I think logically and consecutively. I think in sequence: A to B to C to D to Z. I may have complicated thoughts here and there, but each thought can be traced to a basic algorithm. A basic concept of the same steps. This is how I operate. A to B to C to D to Z. It is how I process the world. I am often told to “get out of my comfort zone”. “Think outside the box.” “Think from someone else’s point of view.” Except, I can’t. Not won’t. Can’t. It's not like I want to be difficult. I don’t want to stay confined in my narrow box. I don’t want to be stuck forever in the miniscule area I call my comfort zone. The one area where I flourish and life is grand. It’s not like I want to never see things from the other side. It’s not a choice. I physically can’t. 

I continue to compare myself to a computer; computers are a wonderful analogy of the human mind because it mimics the wiring that is the human brain. It can mimic the behaviors of people through basic programs. My CPU has an operating system that speaks in English. All the programs run in English. That’s my comfort zone. I am equipped to run everything in English. But all of a suddenly, a new program, or stimulus outside my control, needs to be run in German. Or it can only be run on another operating system. My CPU is not programmed to switch suddenly like that. I can only ever operate in one language; I can only ever think logically and in a sequential manner. I will shut down if I even try. My system will overload and not function the moment I step out of the comfort zone. The moment I try to think from another viewpoint. I may not have the stereotypical autistic meltdown, but I still shut down. I feel tired, vulnerable, and sad. I want to cry, and I feel stressed, and feel taxed. I feel other feelings that I cannot even begin to describe. This is what happens when I go outside my comfort zone. As a result, I stay confined to my minute box because if I don’t, I struggle. I hate that feeling, so I stay away. 

But driving does not allow for that luxury. Driving, in case you didn’t notice, is a mix of various thoughts all happening at the same time. They are all connected under one premise: “drive here to there”. A good driver is not limited to the linear mindset. A good driver thinks ahead, in multiple steps, can process things immediately, can adapt to whatever is thrown out them with no issues. A good driver will not shut down because things do not go the way they want. Question: how easy is it to drive around when the literal way you are programmed, prevents you from actively being the best you can be? It’s not easy sometimes. 

These challenges I listed above affected me not only while I was learning how to drive, but also when I am driving now. These challenges just don’t disappear. They stay with me. I still have no mental map and still have trouble going certain directions. I still can’t tell if I’m driving straight or curved. I don’t like driving to new places. I prefer to drive only where I’ve driven before: throughout my town, to work, to the local Wawa, to church. I’m more comfortable driving through places I know. Or places I have been driven to before. I was initially worried that I would not know how to get to certain places from the driver’s seat, but I observed and absorbed more than I thought I would. I recognized certain places and had no issues getting to where I need to go. 

I’m not a perfect driver by any means, but I’m improving every day. I have driven to work for over a month at this point, and drove my mom on many an errand. I’m a driver. An autistic driver, but still a driver. 

Question 5: How do you feel driving?

I remember that when I was initially driving, I was nervous and stressed. I had some nervous sweat while driving. One could say my demeanor while driving was stressed. But now, I’m calmer behind the wheel. I’m not as rigid behind the wheel, and I’m not sweating like I did pre-license. I don’t like to drive, but I don’t hate it. If I don’t have to drive somewhere I probably won’t. It is still stressful being behind the wheel, but I can do it without issues. I have no qualms about driving to do errands, but I would prefer to do it on my own terms. Driving because I have a mission, and because I need to. Not driving because I was asked. I also feel a little relieved. No more waiting on others to get to places, well, within reason because there are still some places I don’t know how to get to, so having a more experienced driver is better. If I want to just get out of the house and drive, I can. Being able to drive, is phenomenal. 

Question 6: Why haven’t you posted a video since January 29th?

Has it really been that long? I was busy. I think I said this in my Thanks mini-sode, but this podcast is a hobby. I’m teaching full time, and have lots of other interests that are a higher priority than this podcast. My other interests make me feel good, and after a long day of teaching, I need to kick back. Doing this podcast is fun, but a lot of work. Sometimes, like with this topic, when things are too personal, its exhausting trying to write down my thoughts and reflect on it. If I can avoid reflection, I do. More on that in a future episode. I like making this podcast; its informative, and I hope in doing so, I am at least reaching someone out there and making some impact. Maybe bring some clarity or understanding about autism. This show is not something I spend all my time on. All I ask is that you be a little more patient. 

Next time on Autism and Education, Science and Me will be the Herrera Case Study. We will dive into my traits and quirks. This should be fun. Look forward to it. 

            Thanks for listening. This episode was awfully long because someone had to talk a lot. I am hoping I can get the next episode out sooner rather than later. I hope you enjoyed this anxious autistics dreadful driving details. If you have any questions for me you can always e-mail me, message me on Facebook, or comment on my YouTube videos, information is in the description. If you want to use the resource I used to study, the link is in the description too. I was also thinking of doing something else with this podcast too, so stay tuned for more on that later. I hope to see you next class!